They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
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*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
So Hamburger help me, God
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant