Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

this is the news I live for

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

Lmao the reply

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening