they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
You Might Also Like
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
pain
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.