they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
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Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.