they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.