they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
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Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
School be like
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote