they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
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Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.