they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
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[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Only you can prevent podcasts
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.