They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.