They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
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I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing