They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
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[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.