Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

trivia

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.