Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

New nose

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.