They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.