They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
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Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
What the dentist sees
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.