They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
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The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun