they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
The second world war should have been called world war returns
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.