they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
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Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.