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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
