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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Perfect.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON