they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
