they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Monday
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
What do you text your spouse?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
All. The. Damn. Time.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
