they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
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Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.