They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Saw this yesterday lol
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.