*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*