Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Challenge accepted.

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”