They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
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When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
la cocaina
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.