They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
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There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
*limbos under the caution tape
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?