They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
some Old Testament wisdom
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.