They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN