They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂