they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
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I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“That’s what” – She
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.