they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
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Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
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I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Meow
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people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.