Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

just leave it at the foot of the bed

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*