They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie