they really wanted me dead for this
You Might Also Like
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Limited budget
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Customer is always right
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.