they really wanted me dead for this
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My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
wow
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
A man of commitment.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”