they really wanted me dead for this
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!