they really wanted me dead for this
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?