They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes