They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.