They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Oceanography is all about current events
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
are they though??
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters