They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
You Might Also Like
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!