They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣