They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
crying
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Is this anything
🙂🐾
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…