My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke