Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play