Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

boat question

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?