Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

This was my dad’s browser history.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment