Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…