They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Finally!
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.