They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*