Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people