They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Finally, a door that understands me
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
The old gods are rising again.
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month