They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x