They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
About to throw up
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings