They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
You Might Also Like
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn