they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
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me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Lmao 🤣
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that