they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers