@gobmentcheese
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
@ankles_so_weak
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
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@gobmentcheese
@OfficeofSteve
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
@momTruthBomb
I love how the morning light shines through the window, showing me just how much dust is all over my furniture.
@juanadog
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
@RealSugarFree
Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.
@ok_one_more
I told my husband my throat was sore & his response was, “We’d better have sex quick before you get too sick.”
& it’s nice to know normalcy remains.
@Darlainky
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
@sofarrsogud
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
@Soo_Scandalouss
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
@omgthatspunny
