@ankles_so_weak

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

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@gobmentcheese

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

@OfficeofSteve

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

@momTruthBomb

I love how the morning light shines through the window, showing me just how much dust is all over my furniture.

@juanadog

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

@RealSugarFree

Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.

@ok_one_more

I told my husband my throat was sore & his response was, “We’d better have sex quick before you get too sick.”

& it’s nice to know normalcy remains.

@Darlainky

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

@sofarrsogud

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

@Soo_Scandalouss

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..