They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”