Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

🤣🤣🤣

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.