Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.