They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name