Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

My dad teaching me to drive