They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.