They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
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airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.