Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

My flabber has been gasted.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

He’s cranky this morning

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.