Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

How actors in movies eat their food

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking