Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

Still my favourite meme.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Great acting.. 😂

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

i made a craigslist ad !

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet