They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
me to God
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so