Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.