They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
WWE is French for “yes”
Safety first
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands