They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something