They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I don’t make the rules sorry
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.