Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right